I'd Like To Start Over, Please.
YOUR Practice Off The Mat
Vol. 2 Issue 5
I received a set of meditation prompts from the first yin yoga series I ever took with Sagel Urlacher. I come back to this one - all. the. time.
“If you fall down, no worries! You can start over!”
I must have said that cue more than 1000 times in class. I love it because it has layers.
For the physical body, it’s simple. Just reset. Try again. This is how we get stronger. Repetition. Start again. And again. And again. Over time: progress!
At the same time, you are challenging expectations and inviting the ego to let go of them. Even deeper reflections can ask: Who’s expectation is it? What is forming that expectation? Why do you carry this idea of judgement? Does it really matter?
Our society is so focused on defining ourselves by performance and achievement. This relentless onslaught is so embedded that we often don’t even realize where it will show up. Even on the mat. This is one reason why the mind is not the greatest arbiter of truth. It is susceptible to so much outside influence.
The same repetition that conditions the physical body is the same for the mind. In the practice of beginning again, you train the mind that it is okay. That you’re okay. When the mind chatter settles, you become more open to your heart. That is far more clear, courageous, stronger, and trustworthy than the mind.
After all, the practice of yoga is about quieting the mind stuff to return to your whole complete self.
“The mat is a lab for Life”
My friend Katie says that all the time. You practice on the mat when the stakes are relatively small, and repetition easier. You end up developing the skills to walk through life able to quiet the mind. It is easier to connect with your whole self in the moment. And when the next moment arrives, you begin again. The more you practice, the easier it becomes. Lather, rinse, repeat.
If this seems tiring and challenging. You are not alone. Now more than ever we are consumed by the quest for quick answers, quick fixes, life hacks, pro tips. All to rush toward some conclusion that the mind thinks is the answer. Maybe ask yourself this: How many times have the goal posts been moved when you got there? Why were they moved? Who built them? Who moved them?
The relentless pursuit for something ahead of us, or chasing what is behind us, steals you from of the present. It closes off the possibility of right now. And paraphrasing Thich Nhat Hanh, if you want to take care of the future, then you need to take care of this present moment. That’s one reason why it is so important to stay connected with your whole heart.
That’s why you practice. That’s why you begin again.
There are questions when starting over.
A lot of them. Sometimes it is smaller more innocuous situations. Sometimes it is big Life things.
For example these past few months I have been really questioning the path of teaching. There is still no doubt in my heart this transition is the right thing. What I had not anticipated was the degree of major mindfuck that came from trying to let go of the expectations that I was carrying and changes I was pondering.
It’s natural for the mind to wander through the could’ve, should’ve, would’ve. My mind was a drift in a sea of what was lost: things, opportunities, relationships. And the mind just took off - “why did I even bother to become a teacher in the first place?” or “I wish I could undo moving from South Portland, I wish I could undo all of it” and a whole lot of “what’s the point of even continuing?”.
Sadness giving way to confusion, giving way to resentment and anger giving way to fear. They were the loudest voices in my mind. There was no room for anything else. My mind was taking over. This caught me off guard. I definitely needed to pause.
I knew there was far more than that. But sometimes the loud thoughts take over and that is all that is cultivated. Sometimes, you need to stop and observe.
“See the emotion. Don’t be the emotion”.
This is one application of non-attachment. The intention is to not hold on to or be owned by what you think or feel. Instead, it is a process of observing what is present – without assigning values or qualitative judgements, but with compassion and acceptance. Acknowledge it is present. Label it for what it is. And then use the space and time to choose a response. What aligns with the needs of your whole heart centered self?
I often say that our mindfulness practice can be looked at as three parts: the observation, space to name what it is, and the resulting choice.
When you have space to recognize what is occurring within you, and to acknowledge with compassion what is there, you can move through it without carrying it with you. Sometimes that means taking action. Sometimes that means doing nothing. Take the time and space to breathe. Find your heart. And then choose how to begin.
Here's the thing: Sometimes that’s really fucking hard! It is far easier to type it out or say it, than to practice. There’s a big difference between “that person just took my parking spot!” and “why I should I even bother teaching anymore?” and the infinite other examples that range from minor inconvenience to big, scary, major things.
Perhaps most important of all to remember: be kind to yourself.
Yoga and mindfulness are a system and framework. They are sign posts along the road to help guide you. You are unique. Your perspective is unique. Every moment is unique. Every unique person has a unique perspective on each unique moment. To force all experiences through a single lens of a simplified practice and expect rainbows and unicorns in all phases of life, may be an unrealistic expectation. And when expectations are challenged, missed, or even shattered, suffering can result.
This where the practice of beginning again is so important and effective.
Observe. Acknowledge. Choose.
When you come back to your heart. You’ll know the way.
As my teacher JB always says: “I don’t say this like it’s easy. I say it like it’s a practice.”
That’s all for now.
Take good care,
cb